This blog is launched to the public today to commemmorate 1 year of the death of my son (see picture above) who died as a result of hazards associated to swimming. To forestall and serves as a caution, this blog was started in his memory.
His death opened my eyes as to what people goes through when they lose closed ones. Those of us that has passed through this scenarios knows exactly what I am talking about, while those who had never lost someone closed to them (I prayed they never) should learn one or two from this topic.
Death is innevitable, once it happened, there is no remedy, that is why caution must be observed when showing our sadness and sorrow. The onus of doing this lies with those who are closer to the person who lost someone by making sure certain precautions are taken to forestall further damages. Although grieving the death of someone is a normal reaction, at times grief can feel enormously painful, overwhelming, and exhausting.
Here are several common, typical grief reactions:
* SHOCK/DISBELIEF
This is the numbing, disorienting sense that the death has not really happened, not really occurred. This reaction can be intensified and complicated if the death is sudden, violent, or unanticipated. Your mind may be telling you “there must be some mistake,” or “this can’t be true.” These symptoms typically last from several hours to several days.
* ANGER
Your anger may be targeted at a number of sources. You may feel waves of anger at the doctors who treated your loved one, anger at your family members for not rallying together, anger at God over what seems senseless or unjust, even anger at yourself or the person who died and “left” you.
* GUILT
You may blame yourself for not doing more, not being there enough, or not being there when the death happened. You may feel regret over “unfinished business” — conflicts you and the deceased never resolved, or feelings between the two of you that were never fully discussed or shared.
* SADNESS
You may experience a deep sense of loss. There may be moments when you find yourself at a loss for words, weeping, or bursting uncontrollably into tears.
* FEAR
There may be anxiety or panic; fears about carrying on, fears about the future. If the person who died was an adult (partner, sibling, parent), it may bring up fears about your own sense of mortality or sense of being left behind.
* DEPRESSION
You may go through periods of melancholy, or “blueness,” where you feel inclined to withdraw or isolate yourself. You may lose interest in your usual activities, or feel helpless or hopeless.
In recovering from losing someone close to you, the first thing to do is to accept and fully experience your loss, including feeling and expressing your pain and sorrow. Second, is to let go of your attachment to your loved one and your accompanying grief. Third, is to start to form new relationships or attachments in your life. This third phase is where you feel you are moving through our healing and recovery, and can start to develop new commitments and ties to people and activities.
Grieving the death of someone does not have a particular timetable. Mourning your loss may take weeks, months, or even years. From many individuals, the death of their loved one is carried with them throughout their lives. Although there is no “cure” for grief, here are several ways to help you cope with your loss, and begin to ease the pain.
* TIME
Take time alone and time with others whom you trust and who will listen when you need to talk.
* CARING
Try to allow yourself to accept the expressions of caring from others even though they may be awkward. Helping a friend or relative suffering the same loss may bring a feeling of closeness with that person.
* REST, RELAXATION, EXERCISE, DIVERSION
You may need to give yourself extra amounts of things that nourish and replenish you. Hot baths, afternoon naps, a short trip, a project helping others — any of these may give you a lift. Grief can be an emotionally and physically exhausting process.
* GOALS
For a while, it will seem that much of life is without meaning. At times like these, small goals are helpful. Something to look forward to — like lunch with a friend that day, a movie the next week, a trip next month — helps you get through the time in the immediate future. Sometimes living moment by moment, or one day at a time, is the rule of thumb. As time passes, you may want to work on longer range goals to give yourself some structure and direction to your life.
* SECURITY
Try to reduce or find help for financial and other stresses in your life. Allow yourself to be close and open up to those you trust. Developing or getting back into a routine helps. Focus on doing things at your own pace.
* PERMISSION TO BACKSLIDE
Sometimes after a period of feeling better, you find yourself back in the old feelings of extreme sadness, despair, or anger. This is the nature of grief — one moment you’re up, and next, you’re down. Sometimes when you backslide, you are simply remembering, re-experiencing the trauma or enormity of your loss which starts to flood back and overwhelm you.
* HOPE
You may find hope and comfort from those who have experienced a similar loss. Knowing what helped them, and realizing that over time they have recovered, may give you the hope and strength to envision that you, too, will eventually heal from your grief.
* SMALL PLEASURES
Do not underestimate the healing power of small pleasures. Sunsets, massage, a walk near the ocean, a favorite food — all are small steps toward giving to yourself and regaining your pleasure in life itself.
* BE AWARE OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE
The use of drugs, alcohol, and even prescription medications may prolong and delay the necessary process of grieving. You cannot prevent or cure grief. The only way out is through the grief process.
* PERMISSION TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
Grieving can shake you up inside. You may have difficulty concentrating; or find yourself constantly reevaluating your priorities. You may be unsure or uncertain what you want in numerous aspects of your life. When you make commitments or plans, be sure to let people know you may need room to cancel or change your mind.
* BE PREPARED AROUND HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES
For many people, holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of their loved one’s death can bring up painful memories or revive feelings of longing and sadness over their loss — even for those who believe they have “finished” their grieving and moved on. This “anniversary” reaction is a common part of the grieving process, but you may be still be surprised by the flood of emotions that may be reactivated during this period. You might want to be especially aware and gentle with yourself around this time. You may also want to allow more private time for yourself, or arrange to spend more time around family and others close to you.
In many instances, people can move through their grief on their own, or with their existing supports and resources. However, sometimes you need outside help or assistance to keep yourself from “going under,” or getting “perpetually stuck” in your grief. These conditions can happen especially if you are experiencing multiple stressors, or coping with cumulative grief. These warning signs include continuing bouts of depression, social withdrawal and isolation, suicidal thoughts, or continuing feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.
But the best lines I love to remedy my loss which may be useful is thus:
Don’t cry for me now I am gone, I did not die, my life goes on. For all we shared throughout the years, send me your love without your tears. I couldn’t stay, and so instead, I’ve walked a little way ahead.
